so i guess its time to update again. not much has happened thats really worth reporting, not even any weird dreams. its stupid christmas and i am on a small break from my family. pharmakon is in town, we hung out last night for few hours and did absolutely nothing, it was awesome. we sat around downtown in the middle of the night and talked about how weird life is and about growing up. we talked alot about relationships a lot too which made blasfemmeities entry quite poignant.
i've been looking a lot at how easy it is for me to leave people. most of the time i dont connect with people deeply enough to ever feel compelled to stay in relationships and i dont feel bad about it. acutally sometimes i feel bad about not feeling bad, but that doesn't usually last very long. ive been thinking about this because i feel compelled to leave just about everyone thats in my life right now and keep a few select friends. i know i wont do it though, it does feel practicle or realistic to do so until i move out of here. i love all of these people that i know but i don't feel like im getting anywhere with them, not inmy personal development or in my relationships with them.
I have also been thinking about whether i am just using my unhealthy defense mechanisms to run away from difficult and disappointing situations when i should just relax. but ive never been able to just relax and live in environments where i dont feel comfortable i have always found a wayout and left. one of the difficult things is that i dont feel like i can thoroughly articulate yet why this environment is so unhealthy and almost empty. I have come up with a long list of reasons but i still feel like i am missing something, but maybe i am not missing anything other than what it is that I am afraid of. Am i afraid to leave this group behind? or is it more of being used to having such a large group of people at my side that i am afraid of not being ble to find another one? i havent ever been afraid of being alone so what am i doing now? i am not satisfied with anyone i know accept for a small number, and they dont, save one, live here, which may or may not be me projecting my lack of satisfaction with the way that I have been lately.
maybe i need to just do what i want to do and not worry about anything. but i worry all the time about whether or not I am maintaining unhealthy habits from the past or if i am making okay decisions about my own progression toward my idea of heatlhy nourishing personal relationships.
i feel like i just wrote about this stuff. maybe i need to do soemthing new. its definitely time for a raod trip.