beach

Road trip by myself...
"Pack my things head to the coast might not be life but I feel like I'm making the most"1.
Fort Bragg. I found a little nook at the end of a trail at the top of the cliff. I sat quickly due to some silly existential fear of cliffs, afraid of both falling and jumping.
1.5 hrs of human silence. myself and nothing but the ocean breathing and the loud crash of the waves against the cliff. It sounded like thunder or guns.
This was my first trip without the worry of Jacaline weighing down my thoughts. I didn't have to focus on devising some plan on how to make it all woek with her. Didn't have to think about how I was going to scar her less than my mother would, or my other siblings. I thouhgt about myself instead. I thought about leaving Chico and traveling. I was able to focus my current relationships and how I have been ending them all. I seem to do this cyclically. I go through periods have this massive social life with friends in many different circles. But lately I have been leaving all circles. I was walking down the street on saturday and saw three people that I had previously been spending a lot of time with, none of them said hello. They looked at me then looked away thinking I didn't notice. I wish that I could tell everyone that I befriend that if at any point in the relationship I no longer wish to hang out, or if I all of a sudden go into hiding and remove myself from the scene it is no affront to them. I am a loner. thats all, don't be offended. Unfortunately it doesn't work like that and many people end up disliking me. All well such is life. Does this make cold, chicken from "running away from relationships"? Its what I've done since I was in elementary school. I'm blabbing.
With the exception of one person, maybe two I haven't decided yet, in Chico I'm content to live without everyone else. I deem the situation as a period of rebirth, the time for "shedding a skin" that is detrimental to the development of my Self.

"I grow old, I grow old
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

Shall I part my hair behind, do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers and walk upon the beach.

I have heard the mermaids singing each to each.
I do not think they will sing to me.

I have seen them riding seaward on the waves combed back
when the wind blows the water white and black.

We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
by sea girls wreathed with sea weed red and brown
till human voices wake us
and we drown."

from "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
T.S. Eliot