"Without A Spare Penny to Change"

you all know how i like quotes...

2010-04-13T21:32:00.000-07:00

I am always leaving and returning to something. One of those is literature. It is my constant, my love and passion. I have been bored with my english classes for the last couple of years, when i was in school anyway, but now that i am back at Butte, once again.,, relieved to be reading and rereading certain works and too once again be inspired by learning, discussion and exploration into the literary world
One of these books I am rereading so is Their Eyes Were Watching God. I cant help but quote it, I have to share the love:

They became lords of sound and lesser things. They passed nations through their mouths.

Seeing the woman as she was made them remember the envy they had stored up from other times. So theychewed up the back parts of their minds and swallowed with relish. They made burning statements with questions, and killing tools out of laughs. It was mass cruelty. A mood come alive. Words walking without masters; walking altogether like harmony in song (

There are some books I will read over and over, this is one of them. Also, you all know i am sucker for what some call fantastic realism, anything based off folklore, and post colonial literature. There is will be more, but for now I am tired and I don't think I would make any sense if I kept going. I just wanted to share some poetry with you all.
goodnight

Anew...or somewhat

2007-07-09T00:47:00.000-07:00

So I haven't posted since December but here I am again after thinking about it a lot. Know one I know knows I am posting so in a since I am alone here and I enjoy it. There is actually no reason for me to post any more considering all of my good friends with the exception of one now live in Chico.
I guess i like the thought of no one reading it...but there it is.

The thought occurred to me yesterday while tabling at a hippy fest that, though slightly improbable, that anything I write is completely in vain because when shit hits the fan, especially weather wise, it won't mean anything because printing something that isn't an instructional booklet on how to survive will be superfluous.

2006-08-28T21:52:00.000-07:00

hell yeah

2006-08-13T15:52:00.000-07:00

im learning to play the drums. whoo hooo!

get to know me a little

2006-07-15T16:49:00.000-07:00

Your Brain is 53% Female, 47% Male Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female
You are both sensitive and savvy
Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed
But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

You Will Die at Age 55 Not bad, considering your super wild lifestyle
Want to live longer? Try losing a few bad habits.

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Black Comedy In your life, things are so twisted that you just have to laugh.
You may end up insane, but you'll have fun on the way to the asylum.

Your best movie matches: Being John Malkovich, The Royal Tenenbaums, American Psycho

You Are a Punk Rocker! When it comes to rock, you don't follow any rules
You know that rocking out is all about taking down the man
You've got an incredible stage presence and rock persona
You scare moms, make bad girls (or boys) swoon, and live life on the edge!

You Are 34% Evil A bit of evil lurks in your heart, but you hide it well.
In some ways, you are the most dangerous kind of evil.

In a Past Life... You Were: A Ditzy Beekeeper.

Where You Lived: New Zealand.

How You Died: Killed in Battle.

Your Boobies' Names Are... Love Muffins

Your Inner European is Irish! Sprited and boisterous!
You drink everyone under the table.
Gee I fuckin wonder why?

You're 30% Irish You're probably less Irish than you think you are...
But you're still more Irish than most.
what the hell is up with these tests and the irish? it must be because everyone wants to be irish. what?

Who Should Paint You: M.C. Escher Open and raw, you would let your true self show for your portrait.
And even if your painting turned out a bit dark, it would be honest.
dude...

Okay so I went a little overboard on posting theser things but I get a little addicted to taking quizes. Want to take some? go to...
http://www.blogthings.com/whatartistshouldpaintyourportraitquiz/outcome.php

2006-06-26T13:11:00.000-07:00

Had a pretty good weekend. Went swimming with Brent, Sabrina, Timmy and the Altar Boys. They were hilarious, all I did was laugh. They were super nice and were excit4ed we were going up to Portland, I guess we'll be staying with them. After moving we hung out at Johnny and keras and got a little tossed and told a bunch of ghost stories (haven't done that since i was little).
I helped Brent move and after moving anf hiking my legs are sooo sore. I feel a little old actually cause everytime I sit down i have to brace something so I can go slowly.
Yesterday I just hung out at home and moped around the house and hung out with brannon a little. Then I went to a bbq at brents house then over to seans to hang out with josh and sampson. A pretty good weekend I guess.
I cant wait to leave chico next week. Oregon is really beautiful. The first night we leave we're going to camp in the redwoods at a park I haven't been to since I was twelve or so. We're going to a Gruk show in portland and Corvalis and I totally feel like a silly groupie. But whatever its gonna be hecka fun. Then three weeks later is the Murder City Devils, hell yeah! which means a fifteen hour drive in one night, argh.
well thats what i got from now. guess I wasn't too serious with the whole not gonna update any more schpeel.

2006-06-21T18:49:00.000-07:00

i may be done with this. no ones updating so its getting a little boring.
peace

2006-06-21T02:24:00.000-07:00

an truth be spoken through the mouth
of a drunk?
do you believe them?
Or do you only draw something from what they say,
something you need
in order to make some connection continue?

honesty is difficult
more so than a lie???

its all quite absurd
and maybe solitude is best???

2006-06-15T12:01:00.000-07:00

theres not much here these days
solace is naive thought

i keep thinking of violence-
the white middle class
privilege of nonviolence
in the face of oppression

dick gregory hit me upside the head
a blow I needed to force myself
to return to something
another rock between my peers and I

I've let slip the torch i carried
through thick brush
of my complacent coworkers
rage enters again

what do i owe this world?
nothing but the liberation i owe myself

prose never suffices
speach fails

at work the new revolution
is learning spanish
and the administrators want me to tap into the
'underworld'
where has the movement gone?

dick gregory says there is no
generational gap but a moral gap

i grow angrier every day at the generation that came before me
'look what you've done for us' i think
and look what you failed to do
what we still have to fix

every word dick gregory said in 1969
to a university it southampton
is still true today
fuck you
and i love you

and the constitution still says
if a government becomes corrupt
it is your duty to abolish that government
oh pretty face of democracy you lie

ganglion roots says that everyone born
from 1982 on will be the ones that changes things
at least, thats what the stars say
can we depend on astronomy?
he may say so

but oppressive forces wouldn't stop
for a second in an attempt
to beat even the stars into submission.

2006-06-13T10:31:00.000-07:00

When your gone
I remember those beaches
where i knew you
as a reason for not growing cold
Though the weather always seems to disagree.

That simple idea of contact
accidental synchronicity when
all else has failed seems absurd
though through some voice the wind always told me different.

Is partnership stronger than some idea
of love? will it outlast the battlefield
or leave me empty on the same beach
where you asked to kiss me?

Does it matter?
If not for one moment
If not for one small chance
If not for one small dime of grievance to change in for something real?

this is not a love poem
as I don't believe in romanticised love-
but in roots
in living
in being human.

for the 29th goddamn time

2006-06-01T22:29:00.000-07:00

I've been moving all week. Today was the third day I think but it feels like its been a month. A couple of my roommates thought they would be able to leave stuff behind in the barn and the landlord wouoldn't care. He cared alot so I spent all day cleaning out the sheds trying to salvage things for them that I thought they would really want. The whole the landlord was there over my shoulder making rude comments about my friends. Though I was very angry at them, angey to be moving again and well just angry at everything, despite this I still didn't want them to get into trouble for all the bikes the land lord wanted to run by the police then give them to the salvation army. So now I am going to have ten broken bikes in the yard that I dont have the tools to fix.
my new house is awesome. I feel totally at home and living with brannon is awesome. Its quiet and respectful and theres a garden yeah.
Jacaline is back also and she keeps talking in this fake tone of voice. I think its because she stoned and trying to act normal but shes not doing a very good job of it. silly kids.

Rev,
so my revelation had a couple of parts. One was that Marx was almost right in dialectical materialism but left out one thing: anarchism being the final end for society. But of course he would, he's a socialist/communist/whatever.

two, almost all our progressive ideals want relatively the same thing: a government that governs least, peace, respect for individual life practices, equality etc. But, they're afraid of the very ideals they are working for, especially a just government that governs least.
somehow this centered around anarchism and people being afraid to embrace it, but I don't quite remember that part or if I still agree now with my original 'revelation'.

anyway lisa, chip, and jahlela just showed up. gotta go more later.
peace the fuck out.

fuck chico-anywhere

2006-05-15T10:55:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been surrounded by so much sexism I really feel like telling everyone to fuck off, with the exception of a very few sweet souls. This entire weekend I have been offended oh maybe ten fucking times by men who claim they can buy women, I take thuings too seriously, and dirty looks because of my reponse to things.
I also found out that this girl I know was taken back to some guys house and she didn't know how she got there but she nwoke up with a huge flat lip and bug bruise on her chest. There wasn't any sign of forced entry though which is good. According to what she does remember he got really mad at her for not wanting to have sex.
I am angry.

slavery?

2006-03-20T13:40:00.000-08:00

The main subject of my Transcendentalism class is the concept of Idealism and choosing a life that is not based on materialism of conformity but on what on your personal truth is based on. I have been struggling with being in school this semester. Most of the time I don't feel that I belong here. Something that I have been thinking about is how choosing a higher education for the sake of my personal and mental development is still choosing slavery. Do we choose education as a means to attain freedom later in life, that of financial freedom and freedom of choice of careers? Do we go to school primarily because it is expected of us and so we convinve ourselves that this is really the choice that is best suited for our personal endeavors and our individual ideal life? For me, I think I am mostly in school, despite that fact that I truly appreciate my privilege and want to be educated, is it more based on fear, that I may one day regret not earning a degree? Do I need a degree to get a good paying job so I can buy a farm later in life? Is that not slaving away for the hope that freedom may one day come because I have earned it by the sweat of my brow? No one should have to earn freedom.
Just food for thought.

"It is a mathematical point only that we are wise, as the sailor or the fugitive slave keeps the polestar in his eye; but that is sufficient guidance for all our life. We may not arrive at our port within a calcuable period, but we would preserve the true course."

"Most of the stone a nation hammers goes toward its tomb only. It buries itself alive."

Walden
Thoreau

insurance: an intrusion on my individual rights

2006-03-06T17:22:00.000-08:00

So it is so fucked up that we are required to have car insurance, homeowners insurance, etc. This stupid law requires individuals to invest their money into a private industry. As citizens we should have the ability to support, to the fullest extent any organization be it private or NGO that we choose to. If I am going to be required to pay any form of insurance in this stupid capitalist society I would rather know that my money is going to a nonprofit or government institution that is required redistribute the money into other branches of civil service groups, or education, or medical insurance . bnut that would ruin the whole system wouldn't? Considering insurance company's have a rediculous amount of power.
damn it all to hell.

2006-02-13T22:22:00.000-08:00

so it seems we've lost our drive to update regularly, damn shame really.
I'm sure we all have some kind of storm brewing under all the superfluity.
Lets updat emore shall we.

2006-02-10T15:23:00.000-08:00

so yeah theres been a lot goin' here. Though i don't think its really anything the few of you who read this hasn't already heard about.
I start my kcsc radio show next weekend and I'm really excited so people should listen to it or go to hell...just joking...kind of.
school is crazy already. I did my first presentation yesterday and it went well.
Visited El Q last weekend and that was hecka tight.
I got my second speeding ticket SURPRISE. I guess they took a picture of my license plate while I was driving is San Francisco sometime. BULLSHIT. Just when I have stopped speeding they give me on. I was probably only going like two miles over the speed limit or something. Stupid San Fran with its archaic form of taxation: a poll tax to enter the city. Come on.
Gee, my life is kind of boring right now.

2006-02-05T17:09:00.000-08:00

just watched iron jawed angels...awesome movie.

yeah sooo.....???

2006-01-13T14:07:00.000-08:00

What do I love about life? The sudden changes and dilemmas it throws your way making you have to sift through the old and new so that you can make room for the new...too bad this is so difficult and more often than not, unsuccesful.
I know I'm being vague, but cryptic writing is what I'm good at.
My little sister has moved back in. I love her to death but what I feel is loss not positive gain.
I have to move out of Broken Glass and I may not be able to go back to school until next fall, and I feel certain relationships may drastically change.
I don't feel like I really appreciated those short six months that I had to myself, but thats how it goes right? You know that old cliche, you don't know what you have till its gone. Well I knew what I had but I didn't pay attention enough to how it felt.
I feel imprisoned. I used to be good at finding my own personal freedom in any situation that was oppressive, limiting, and energy sucking but I've lost that. I'll get it back but until then I'll continue beat the walls. I blame the patriarchy just for the fun of it.
peace

2006-01-11T13:54:00.000-08:00

"I have heard the mermaids singing each to each

I do not think they will sing to me

I have seen them riding seaward on the waves blown back

When the wind blows the water white and black

We have lingered in the chambers of the sea

By sea girls wreathed with sea weed red and brown

Till human voices wake us and we drown."

-T.S. Eliot

stupid new year

2006-01-01T03:09:00.000-08:00

So the night went as I expected it to go. Its starts off with my neighbor coming over to tell us that our friends Johny and kera arent really having a party and that we should go to this other one. So we, me longjar and ben, head to this other party where there weren't very many people so it was questionable at first as to whether they care if people they dont know are okay. Well, they seemed okey and gave us some weak, but tasty, vodka punch drink which was the perfect way to start the night. Then we had these drinks called "christmas in your liver" which was vodka and cider topped off with cinnamon. It was good surprisingly enough. Then we headed to Black Lodge where the Scene was. I let Ben and LongJar make their way in that direction I veered right. I went to my friends house, some friends that I rarely see unless I am buying coffee which doesn't allow much room for socializing. So when I get there I get my bike stuck onto someone elses handle bars so I spend fifteen minutes getting it unstick then finding a place where I can safely place my bike safe from my clumsy self and theives (yes I know ling sentence). anyway, So I take care of that then I walk inside to hang up my jacket on their nice little coat rack and as soon as my jacket hits the rack it proceeds to fall down, while others are watching, so for the rest of the night I am known for being the girl that "broke the house". So all was well for a while, saw soem friends I haven't seen in while, had a good conversatio nwith the Rev on the phone, had a decent beer, blah blah blah. Then Ben and Longjar call me and want to come over, aoutomatically bad news. So I ask one of the hosts if thats cool, considering its not really a show up with all your friends party, she says its fine, so okay they coneo over. We're there for about an hour or so then the music is over and Longjar breaks out his CD case and wants to put something on and my friend, who is hosting the party, sees him with his music out and doesn't hesitate to kick him out. Now, previously this same man had told someone else to not touch his shit, Longjar didn't hear but either seemed to think that it was okay to put on whatever he wanted and use someone elses musical equipment without asking. So Then Ben gets kicked out too by the same guy because he is with Longjar. They didn't kick me out too because they didn't know that longjar was with me, but wither way I left too. So we left and trudged a block to the BLack Lodge where LongJar meets the Ruslter and tells him that he got kicked out of course they want to go kick his ass then quickly goes outside. I then say goodnoght and start running away. I turn back though out of worry and tell the Rustler that it wasn't that big of a deal and if they go back to start shit I am no longer longjars friend. He says okay and continues the phone conversation I interrupted. Ben comes with me and we make out way to my other friends house where they are having a nice little 'hippy' party with a really cool dj. Ben hangs there for a minute then goes home and I proceed to dance for an hour or so to some pretty music. Then this silly guy comes up to and goes "so...how do you like chico?" "Fine," I say, "Ive been here a long time".. Blah blah he goes "I make really aweome music you want to hear it?" "What you have some with you?" I ask and he goes yeah I sing accapella but first let me pee first, but he doesn't go to the bathroom he goes into the kitchen and start talking to some other girl (hillarious). Then I leave about fifteen minutes later and he's out on the porch freestylin' some stupid shot about sloppy seconds... dude!

So that was my night. I am curious to hear what the roomies have to say tomorrow about "havin eachas' back an shit" whatever. Stupid man made new year that doesn't mean anything. I hope all was well in other parts of the world. so...
Good Night and Goo Luck

and just remember
"the flag is just a rag.'

hooray for merry-go-rounds

2005-12-28T20:13:00.000-08:00

I come home to silence

I turn on the light

I sit on my bedroom floor

I look around at the mess

I get up and clean

I rearrange and straighten

fix the broken atmosphere

I try to fix the computer

I get bored of trying to fix something

I have no knowledge of

I put on some Belle and Sebastian

I sit down at my desk

Nag Champa and dim light

I reflect a little on the year

It's clear I haven't grown

She gave me anxiety at nine

I still have dreams of being eaten alive

so much time has passed

And I'm still afraid of being eaten alive

Is desire dying...

I see rivers and cycles

its the end of it all

I know its coming

if only that were true

no rhyme no reason...

I pretend I know you all

I pretend you know me too

At least I convince myself that you don't

At least I convince myself

theres a bottom, theres an end

For a moment it all makes sense when

I can follow rhythm and its all dancing

In water and all your laughs and gestures

And for a moment theres a dream

And for a moment its like stars

And all their traveling

And the moon reflecting light off the sun

And I see Narcissus and Sysiphus and Prometheus

And I laugh

And for a moment theres a dream of tidal waves

And its all dancing like water running rhythms

And all your laughs and gestures

And theres a bottom, an end

2005-12-25T17:08:00.000-08:00

so i guess its time to update again. not much has happened thats really worth reporting, not even any weird dreams. its stupid christmas and i am on a small break from my family. pharmakon is in town, we hung out last night for few hours and did absolutely nothing, it was awesome. we sat around downtown in the middle of the night and talked about how weird life is and about growing up. we talked alot about relationships a lot too which made blasfemmeities entry quite poignant.
i've been looking a lot at how easy it is for me to leave people. most of the time i dont connect with people deeply enough to ever feel compelled to stay in relationships and i dont feel bad about it. acutally sometimes i feel bad about not feeling bad, but that doesn't usually last very long. ive been thinking about this because i feel compelled to leave just about everyone thats in my life right now and keep a few select friends. i know i wont do it though, it does feel practicle or realistic to do so until i move out of here. i love all of these people that i know but i don't feel like im getting anywhere with them, not inmy personal development or in my relationships with them.
I have also been thinking about whether i am just using my unhealthy defense mechanisms to run away from difficult and disappointing situations when i should just relax. but ive never been able to just relax and live in environments where i dont feel comfortable i have always found a wayout and left. one of the difficult things is that i dont feel like i can thoroughly articulate yet why this environment is so unhealthy and almost empty. I have come up with a long list of reasons but i still feel like i am missing something, but maybe i am not missing anything other than what it is that I am afraid of. Am i afraid to leave this group behind? or is it more of being used to having such a large group of people at my side that i am afraid of not being ble to find another one? i havent ever been afraid of being alone so what am i doing now? i am not satisfied with anyone i know accept for a small number, and they dont, save one, live here, which may or may not be me projecting my lack of satisfaction with the way that I have been lately.
maybe i need to just do what i want to do and not worry about anything. but i worry all the time about whether or not I am maintaining unhealthy habits from the past or if i am making okay decisions about my own progression toward my idea of heatlhy nourishing personal relationships.
i feel like i just wrote about this stuff. maybe i need to do soemthing new. its definitely time for a raod trip.

2005-12-21T11:27:00.000-08:00

I have this big holiday dinner for work tonight in sacramento. We'll be picked up by a bus that will first start in redding then pick up the chicoans and head to sac. I'm amazed our little non profit can do this. anyway, i have kind a scrathy thoat thing going on. My body wants to get sick but i haven't been letting it so all it can do in rebellion is give me a scratchy thoat. But I think I may lose my voice tonight. I wouldn't mind really, not being able to talk i mean. I haven't really been talking much anyway.
I've cleaned my room and it finally feels comfortable enough for me to hang out in it. IN fact I want to hang out in it which I haven't felt since I moved into to Broken Glass. I don't have to work today before we get picked up at 4:30 so I am going home soon to paint.
well thats it for now. I'll let you all know if anything interesting happens at the holiday party.
Peace out...or something

2005-12-12T15:48:00.000-08:00

i'm going through this period when all i want is stability.
The other day i was driving down the road running an errand for work and i saw this woman sitting in her nice little house in front of a nice big window working on something on her computer. As I stared at her I was overcome with a feeling close to envy. I want to work at home, to make my own schedule, and to have that nice little home that is my sanctuary and place of 'freedom'.
i think something is wrong with me i usually don't crave safety, stability and domesticity. hmmm...maybe im getting old.
I want the latter or i want to get out of here and start traveling.
but i am exactly where i am suppossed to be so i guess i'll have to be patient.

shit

2005-12-06T15:12:00.000-08:00

hung over and didn't even drink that much. I thought I went to bed earliy enough but i forget to provide extra time for all the activities that I sometimes engage in while sleeping. Such as, sometimes sleep walking, vivid complicated and stressful dreams, talking, and sometimes some other odd things.
I keep having these dreams about scary women. Women that are half or three fourths animal, or murderous, or dead and still murderous. I keep analyzing them but all I get is that I probably have a lot of emotional work that I need to be doing. It relates to why I can't watch scary movies that often. I think I kind of, or really I know that I transform my stress and emotional issues into horror scenes in my dreams. I think my current emotional state also explains why I don't feel comfortable being alone in my creepy house. anyway, im kind of rambling and way too tired for this kind of analysis.
I do want to relate my dream though:

There was this grocery store that sold mostly produce, if not only produce. People started coming to the store and masturbating with all the produce. Eventually the owners, out of money, abandoned the store and it became a weird se/fetish hub. Sometime before the owners abandoned the store a girl was murdered in the store I think during some violent sexual activity. Once the store ceased to be a store she started killing people. The dream ended while I was standing in front of her as an observer, as I commonly am in my dreams. She had on a mask that made her look like a man. She removed the mask and she was a small young woman with mangy black hair that hung down in front of her snarling angry face. She was really skinny and held her arms really close to her body with limp hands that I knew could kill me with precision and speed event though the looked slow and sluggish resting in front of her chest. (yeah run on sentence whatever) anyway, this green light was glowing around her and I didn't know why she was showing herself to me and letting me know that she was about to embark on a massive killing spree and kill everyone in the 'store'.
ugghh.

uh....(continued)

2005-12-05T15:10:00.000-08:00

So i made my last post because I wasn't feeling up to par. I was feeling like my performance at work was not what it could be, or usually is, and overall I was a little down in the dumps.
and i agree with you Rev, if I am going to be swallowed by anything I hope its either a big fuckin beautiful wave or the void.
not even twenty minutes after i made that post I went to talk to one of my administrators and started talking about my experiences here and how I am leaving and what I will be doing when I am not in this position anymore. She said that there wasn't anything concrete in the works but there had been talk of puting together some workshops on various things next year and I guess my name came up about possibly running workshops. She didn't say what they were about but given what she and I talk about most of the time and what I have shown the most gusto toward is anything that has to do with politics, feminist theory, and self help. so i'm hoping they will hagve something to do with the latter. I was immediately felt uplifted and that maybe I had been judging myself too harshly.
i love my job...90% of the time.
thats all thats new for now/.
peace

uh....

2005-11-30T15:32:00.000-08:00

i feel like i am losing at this game and missing some fucking point that would help me live better if only id get my head out of my ass...
i could be swallowed by the void and not even see its wide dark gaping mouth rushing to gobble me up.

drunken blog @two

2005-11-26T23:11:00.000-08:00

where does it all end....?
fuck yeah! sometimes that emo shit has its place...

or does it?

ahhhh

2005-11-24T16:28:00.000-08:00

I want everything the rain the sun mountains and flatland solitude and a social life I want to write but be too busy living to write i want companionship and a solitary life i want dreamless nights and i want dreams that speak to me i want everyone i love who has died back but i want them to be at peace i want to work and i want to do nothing i want to hold you all the time and not be touched i want rivers and oceans and lakes and i want the concrete i want to be exceptional at something but i also don't want to care if im 'mediocre' i want all the love in the world but i also don't care if i ever have any (most of the time) i want to travel and i want stability i want struggle and growth and i want security normalcy peace and calm i want to be homeless but i want a room of my own.

blah blah blah, i could keep going.
hmmm all this must be because im a gemini right?whatever.
restlessness has taken over... but maybe i should relish in it maybe it'll actually help me write something.

why hasn't anyone submitted anything to my zine damnit?

2005-11-21T15:07:00.000-08:00

i think this was the longest i have gone without updating.
there has been a dramatic event in my life lately and it has made feel a lot closer to myself and its made me look at how I am living.
Ive realized how sick i am of the way that i have been living for a long time. im sick of the constant drinking. i feel stalled, like i've put a lot of myself on hold to attempt to relish being young and dumb something i felt i needed to do having not had time to feel like i can go out and get stupidly drunk with friends, or stay out as long as i want while i had my little sister living with me for so long. its been great and ive had a great time but now its time to change things.
i get this way every six months or so. i start feeling like there is a part of me that needs to die and I become overwhelmed with this need to change. it causes a lot of anxiety attacks and a lot of distance between myself and all the people in my life.
i need to move out of my house so i can be a in an environment that is my own and that i feel is nourishing, supportive, and CALM. I need to come up with a plan so i can make it through the next seven months. But who knows i might go home this evening and decide that i like living there again. I change my mind way too often and too quickly.

2005-11-03T23:06:00.000-08:00

I had a really awesome radio show tonight. I love it when people call in that I get to argue with and prove wrong, maybe thats wrong of me. A little self righteous? (did i spell that wrong?)

i think i have too much to say to write.
I keep thinking of quotes from other peoples poetry...
ah fuck it.

2005-11-01T21:49:00.000-08:00

when there is so much action and movement in the heart it can be difficult to miss that simple plane of understanding. Its like, looking for your lost keys in a pile of clothes on the floor. YOu search and search, throwing clothes everywere. But all you need to do really is slowly remove one piece of clothing at a time and set it aside until you find what your looking for. Like the old saying,
"haste makes waste." A simple idea really, though hardly practiced. It used to be my mantra. It helped me to never take anything for granted, it helped me to listen and patient. Now I only have moments of patients, moments of being able to listen without needing to throw my human two cents in.

ugh

2005-10-30T20:38:00.000-08:00

after three days of being sick I am up and walking again. Ive been in a daze all weekend. I missed halloween festivities the first halloween in a long time I was actually kind of excited about them. But I guess my body needed a rest. I haven't shown my body that much positive attention in a long time. Maybe I should rethink this whole "burn the candle at both ends" way of life. Comparatively I guess I don't really live that way but close enough.
I went downtown to get a hot chocolate tonight and i felt almost like I had culture shock. Three days of not participating in society was enough to make me extra sensitive to all the crap. But really Ive become more sensitive in general to all the crap. Especially when it comes to cities. in the past two months I have spent a decent amount of time in the s.f./ santa cruz area and sacramento. Each time I go to a city I feel more and more disgusted. I realized a few days ago that if I am going to teach, or do something else that will allow me to have a farm one of these days I am going to have to go to a city, probably. If I am lucky I can land some job at a community college in some relatively small college town or something...im crossing my fingers. And what about grad school I'll probably have to go to a city for that. I don't feel much escape from not living in a city at least once....(well I used to live in the bay so I guess I can't say at least once.)
Another rant of complaints.
peace out.

2005-10-23T15:21:00.000-07:00

Mark your calendar or Palm V. You can expect to die on:

Wednesday, January 23rd 2047
At the tender age of 64 years old.

On that date, you will most likely die from:

Contagious Disease (15%)

Alcoholism (12%)

"Cleaning your Rifle" (7%)

Alien Abduction (7%)

check out www.sparks.com/death

what?

2005-10-22T11:03:00.000-07:00

I had this weird dream last night. It was that i tlived across the street from a forest, a really beautifull forest that was most, mossy, with huge trees and lots of different kinds of animals. There was this community that lived inside the forest and they weren't very nice. If you did something wrong, like disobeyed their cultural values, religious beliefs etc, you were put in a cage and thrown into this man made hella deep pit of water. Well, pit isn't really the right word because it was very wide and more like a hug square. Whatever anyway. I got thrown in to the pit with two boys. I had my had and feet bound and they were bound together. One of the boys drowned and the other one busted out some pocket knife and cut us both loose. All of a sudden another girl gets thrown into the water. We're all constantly swimming aournd, waiting of the point when we get tired and eventually just let ourselves go under. The three of us get into some conversation about somethingor other and rape comes up. All of a sudden I know the boy is goping to try and rape me. He still has the knife but the knife is really small and we're in a huge vat of water so I don't see how raping me is going to be that easy for him. That was pretty much the dream. Not that exciting but scary and almost haunting. I don't understadn why I alwlys fucking dream about water.

I have been so resentful of people lately. I don't even know what I am resenting them for. I am easy to anger, easy to make cry (even though i hide it like a tough girl should right?). I have a couple thoughts on what it may all be about but everything I feel has been intenmsified to such a large extent that I need to figure out whats really going on with me other wiseI am probably going to start pissing people off and hurting their feelings. I know this cycle well. I actually thought I wouldn'r come back to it. But here I am.

2005-10-21T20:27:00.000-07:00

I have so much to say to you. All I have now is a letter, my only vessel of of reaching you. Its late and I can't sleep, too many memories invading me. I have this picture of you in my mind, its one of my favorites. We were camping, like we did so often, we were sitting in the dark, the fire had gone out but the moon was really bright so I could still see you. You had this look on your face. I don't even know if I can really describe it. It was look that showed exactly who you were. And in that look iI felt so small and I saw how small you were too. I saw how it all means nothing, and you understood that, but you understood love too. I knew in that moment that you truly knew love, you didn't just feel it, you knew it. And I knew that I never really did know it. All the times I told you I loved you were noting in that moment because I couldn't really feel it, not the way you did. You loved with all that you were.
There was this other time when we were having coffee, I think it was only our third or fourth date, and we were sitting outside the cafe smoking. It was cold and overcast, "A perfect fall evening." you said. And even though I actually disagreed I said yes it is anyway and took a sip of my coffee. I burnt my lip cause it was too hot and you laughed at me, the way you always laughed at my clumsiness, my messiness, even my sarcasm that was never very sarcastic because I "tried too hard" as you said. You said I sounmded ridiculous and I stopped trying to be sarcastic. I went back to being dry and almost humorless. You laughed at me for my lack of sense of humor that too. Most of the time I laughed with you, it was the only time I ever laughed, when I was with you, paying attention to only you.
The evening we were having coffee, I can't even really recall what we were talking about. All I remember clearly is the way your hands moved. The way you reached for your cup, or put your cigarette to your lips, or moved your hair from out of your eyes. Your hands were dancers: confident, gracefull, they moved with purpose. In fact, in all the years we were together I can't remember you ever spilling a thing. It amazed me really, how oculd you be so aware, so intune, so sure of what you were doing at all times? You seemed almost inhuman sometimes, the way you walked, laughed, danced, made love, lost at pool, drank wiothout ever really getting drunk. I always felt a little separate from you, even though when I was with you I felt almost complete. It was strange really. I also wondered if you knew thats how I felt and if it contributed to your leaving. Did you feel my separatness, the withdrawn part I always tried to hide because there wasn't any part of you that was withdawn. You were there, completely there and in the moment at all times. I had to keep a place that was all mine, where no one else could go. I know you had that place inside too, you were just better at balancing I guess. I could never be in my own space and completely there with another at the same time, that was your trick. I loved that trick, almost envied it really.
After you left I didn't speak to anyone for a long time. I took to writing and drinking alone or at bars where no one knew me. All of a sudden you were gone and I couldn't tell if you had actually ever really been there or if it had been an excellent dream that ended badly. Eventually I started coming out of my hole and socializing again. Sometimes your name was mentioned and I felt acute jabs where some form of a heart was suppossed to be. People would ask about you, not me of course. They would ask our friends in front me and try not to make eye contact with me as if as soon as they mentioned you I would burst into tears and run away kicking and screaming. The weird thing was, no one ever said you were doing okay. They always said, oh you know her working hard and what not. Things like that. It made me uncomfortable I thought maybe something was wrong and nobody wanted to say that really you weren't okay. You were actually drowning in some kind of blanket sorrow that kept you from being yourself. 'Yourself', its a mystery to me.
Once I started feeling a little better after you left I started playing guitar again too. You always asked me while we were together why I never played for you, it was because I didn't have the energy. So much of me went into being with you that those few times we weren't together, I would pick up my guitar and I couldn't play anything. It was all gone, the rhythm, the desire. Gone.
Thats what I was doing when I found out. I was playing my guitar. Not anything in particular, just strumming trying to remember songs I had forgotten how to play. I knew something was wrong as soon as I picked up the phone. It was Nicole. She sounded tired and irritable. For some reason she decided to ask me how I was doing before she decided to drop the bomb. Myabe she was nervous and didn't know how to tell me. Anyway she asked me how I was doing then there was a long pause, then she snivled a little. Finally, almost out of frustration, I asked her if everything was okay. No, she said. She's dead, Nicole said. I knew right away she was talking about you. How? You decided to get into a car accident at two in the morning. You were drunk Nicoel said. I was angry when she said that. How could she accuse you of that? The people in the car you hit died too. It was a bloody mess. I hung up the phone with out saying anything else. I stared at the wall all night. I was angry and once I even wondered if you had done it on purpose. If, maybe you were sick of it all and didn't it on purpose, or at least maybe you got into your car drunk hoping that maybe, by assident you would hit something and it would all be over. Then I got anry at myself for even considering such a thing. I didn't know what else to do. I still loved you. All of a sudden I had this need to let you into that part of me that no one else touched. But you were gone and that was it, thats there is. Your absence and my presence.
Its been a couple of months since that night. All I can think of is writing to you, I can't think of anything else I can do. I haven't said what I need to say, I don't really know what it is I feel I need to say so badly. I miss you maybe? Thats inadequate. I love you? I don't even know what those words mean. Maybe I'll write again when I know what it is. Until then, rest peacefully.

with no shape or form

2005-10-21T15:10:00.000-07:00

I have this weird feeling today. I'm not sure what it is. Loniness? Depression? Anxiety? I feel lost in some desolate place where there are no memories, no inspiration or determination. though full I have no means of adequate expression.
Happy to be homw at such an early time I am home because I have no energy, no need for preservation, nor a need to discontinue.
i feel peoples ghosts hanging around them. pain, hunger, lonliness, humanity ion all its regression, attempts at progression.
where does one road end and another begin? does it matter?
I have begun working on a new zine which gives me some feeling of direction and slight fulfilment, whatever that means.
i feel wrong and wronged.
I watched this great movie last night called Pinero about this Puerto Rican play write and sp0ken word poet. He was brilliant. So brilliant he couldn't handle it. Or maybe he couldn't handle to memories of molestation, loss, the rage and the grief. He sold himself to older men when he was a child to put food on his single mothers table.
movies like this hit home too much.
was he brilliant because he had been through so mcu? Because he could see through so much american racist bulshit? he because he loved more than any of us? I often wonder if these people that die so often, these brilliant artists that die from drug overdoses, suicide, etc do they go that route because they cannot handle the way they love the world because i believe they can see it so much clearer than the non artist (except maybe the philosopher). I am not talking about the normal conept of love but something that comes from insight that comes from need, intuition, connection to the rest of humanity.
if we do not have a connection to humanity can we create?
i've been thinking a lot today about how it is that people turn cold. Is 'cold' even really the right word? I assume that 'growing cold' would be your minds response to too much intensity, too much pain, too much experience that the feeling brain cant handle.
I have nothing particular to say, the moment has passed.

good evening filthy humans.

fine ill freakin update

2005-10-20T17:48:00.000-07:00

so I am at home, in my room, completely in love with the fact that I can stay online for as long as I want. Its been quite a while since Ifelt such luxorious privilege and wealth. Yeah I know its not that exciting but it really thrills me, and thats ultimately all that matters (just jokin').

Anyway, so apparently I walked in my sleep last night and was obviously upset in my sleep. It's been a while since I have done something like that. When I was little I was a really active sleeper, walking, talking, even screaming. I wish I could see myself making an ass out of myself and making others feel uncomfortable when I am sleeping and completely unaware of what I am doing.
If I could film my dreams too I'd be a hella rich film maker.
I'm blabbing.
Maybe I'll have something more interesting to say later.

i like tests

2005-10-13T11:06:00.000-07:00

I think I have changed a little...im getting old and boring

The Peach
Random Gentle Love Master (RGLMf)

Playful, kind, and well-loved, you are The Peach.

For such a warm-hearted, generous person, you're surprisingly experienced in both love and sex. We credit your spontaneous side; you tend to live in the moment, and you don't get bogged down by inhibitions like most women your age. If you see something wonderful, you confidently embrace it.

Your exact opposite:
The Nymph

Deliberate Brutal Sex Dreamer

You are a fun flirt and an instant sweetheart, but our guess is you're becoming more selective about long-term love. It's getting tougher for you to become permanently attached; and a guy who's in a different place emotionally might misunderstand your early enthusiasm. You can wreck someone simply by enjoying him.

Your ideal mate is adventurous and giving, like you. But not overly intense.

DREAD: The False Messiah

CONSIDER: The Loverboy, The Playboy, or The Boy Next Door

stupid blogs

2005-10-06T10:31:00.000-07:00

So apparently I now have two blogs, this one and talularuth.blogspot.com because for a little while there I was had to mail the "forgot your password" thing and reset my password everytime I wanted to update. Now its working without doing that so now I have two blogs.

At 7:30 am I knew it wasn't going to be a good day. First I get up to go to the bathroom, then as soon as I lie down my phone rings. Its my brother. He left a message and I knew it was cause he missed the bus. I call him backl and leave a message. I get back in bed hoping he wont call back, all I wanted was to go back to sleep. one minute he calls back. I put the car keys on the porch so he can come get them and not bother me again. I lie back down and the toilette starts to run. S. jumps up flushes the toilette and storms back to bed. Great this is a good morning already. I lie there for another fifteen minutes or so. I cant get comfortable. I toss and turn a little then decide to just get up. Im awake I might as well start the fucking day right? By this time its almost 8. I get dressed and head downtown for some coffee and alone time before I have to get ready for work. I get my coffee and light a smoke. I let my thoughts drift for a little while to calm down from being woken up by stupid noises like the phone ringing.
Then I write a little, happy to be working on my story that I have been trying to finish since last saturday. My friend comes up and I am happy to see him but mad that I am being interupted. It turns out he's fallen off the wagon so like the nice supportive person that I am I invite to the Phenomenots/Bowel tones show on sat. I know he'll dig it and I hope he comes cause he doesn't do anything but work, go to school, and take care of his nine yr old amazing daughter.
Anyway. I realize I forgot me cell phone so I head back to S.' house in a little bit of a better mood after talking to someone and attempting to forget about the fact that I am mad about being awake. I'm freezing when I get there so jump back in bed as soon as i throw the covers over my head and I am consumed with frustration. I feel like a big baby cause I'm frustrated about needing to get up and participate in the world instead of being able to stay home and write.

We'll see if the day gets any better.
"god I need a cold on now"

blahblahblah

2005-09-01T13:28:00.000-07:00

I dont have anything exciting to say. im tired. ive given up on writing for a while. we have failed each other.
i want to stop speaking too but i don't think i could get a way with it.
fuck it all. id rather be reading than doing anything else.

baruch atah adonai eloheynu melekh holam sefferot.
ani cotevit b'evrit whoohoo.

Rosh Hashanah is next week. i feel different about it this year. judaism actually has more than one new year all depending on harvest seasons. (there is also a day of the year reserved just for tree which is awesome). Rosh Hashanah is the one that is celebrated and on almost all calenders but if you look at a jewish calender (one that is more orthodox of course) you will see that there is only one month out of the year that doesnt have at least one holiday. unfortunetaly the few that are on the 'normal calenders' are few and have become slightly secular. Anyway Im sure none of this means anything to any of you. im ranting. im tired. im leaving.
lylatov. goodnigt or evening what the fuck ever.

p.s. i think i will adapt simple sentences as my new writing style. it reflects my lack of brain function this past week. fuck my brain needs some exercise.

2005-08-31T16:48:00.000-07:00

Oh, that this too sullied flesh would melt and thaw itself into a dew.
-Hamlet

an attempt at being uplifted

2005-08-30T17:36:00.000-07:00

If advertising has invaded the judgment of children, it has also forced its way into the family, an insolent usurper of parental function, degrading parents to mere intermediaries between their children and the market. This indeed is a social revoluation in our time!
Jules Henry

Fear prophets and those prepared to die for the truth, for as a rule they make many others die with them, often before them, at times instead of them.
Umberto Eco

I would define the poetic effect as the capacity that a text displays for continuing to generate different readings, without ever being completely consumed.
Umberto Eco

He alone is free who lives with free consent under the entire guidance of reason.
Baruch Spinoza

If men were born free, they would, so long as they remained free, form no conception of good and evil.
Baruch Spinoza

Only that thing is free which exists by the necessities of its own nature, and is determined in its actions by itself alone.
Baruch Spinoza

For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.
Rainer Maria Rilke

Love consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other.
Rainer Maria Rilke

Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue, a wonderful living side by side can grow, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky.
Rainer Maria Rilke

doubts

2005-08-29T15:06:00.000-07:00

I am beginning to have doubts that I wont be able to go to school next semester. I have so many little things to get done this week in order to get beack in, and i have no doubt I can get them done, but i stil have this insecure feeling it wont work out for some reason or another. Its probably silly and all will be well. I'm really uncertain about everything and frustrated that I don't feel like I have time to spend with my uncertainty. No time to roll it around in my head, to thoroughly feel it out and just sit with it.
I am also excited about everything though. Excited to almost be done with my job, excited to leave everything up to whatever, the universe or something like that.
I need to work on getting published in anything, something, so I can Poetry In the Schools and get paid to lead small poetry workshops with this cool woman Ameara. That makes me nervous and stressed just thinking about it. Unfortunately zines don't count. Does anyone have any ideas?
I have been running into a lot of old friends lately. When I was stuck in traffic in S.F. on my way to Libertatia I looked to my left and there was my old friend Diamond Dave stuck in traffic beside me. I didn't even know he lived in san Fran until I ran into him randomly a week before that in Chico. Little weird things like that have been hapenning often. Its making life a little more interesting.
Today a friend I ran into that I haven't seen in two years asked me if I was happy, I hate that question. I think its completely irrelevant if youa re happy or not happy. Its more irrelevant to ask "so how is your personal development coming along?" Or " has life been satisfying you lately?" soemthing like that, but people never ask 'corny' questions like that. Whatever.
I leave you with a quote:

"To think deeply in our culture is to grow
angry and to anger others; and if you cannot
tolerate this anger, you are wasting the time
you spend thinking deeply. One of the rewards
of deep thought is the hot glow of anger at discovering
a wrong, but if anger is taboo, thought will starve to death."

Jules Henry

Workers Anthem

2005-08-24T16:40:00.000-07:00

"Zoom in to the fuming of an aggravated breed
Via the study of post-adolesent agitated seeds
Half the patients wasted self pride at Commencement
So I focus on the urban Oxygen samples, the hot that made it breathe
They sold Pompeii impression, waste infections
And twelve steps to lesson
Cretins swiftly tippy toe on hard to swallow, barter concepts
The give-it get-it, never let it self pass the word, eyeing stubborness
Martyrs talks money causes in a harvesting Spartacus
And someone, I've thrown long Hail Mary bombs
Toward cookie-cutter Mother Natures bedazzled synthetic fabrics
Life treats the peasants like
They tried to fuck his woman while he slept inside
Well they're merely chasing perfectionist emblems
When the clock strikes nine
I'll be waking with the best of routine caffiene team players
For the cycle of it
Under a dusted angel heartstring Big Brother is watching
My odometer like buzzard to fallen elk, talking stealth
We got babies, rubber stamps, and briefcase parts
We on some door-to-door now
Order ten dollars or more, we'll shove it down your throat for free
I'll sacrifice my inborn tendencies
For copper pennies for one commanding "Gimme that"
So we can retain baby fat
Make the biter snake bedlam
Holocaust freak, heckle shiesty brain headroom shaped planet
Make a move, pause, make a move break cannon
Bent barrel one eight zero, you'll turn, squeeze, ending
It's on like it's never been
It's bleeding well
It's bigger than a breadbox
It can roast my leaky finance
I'll take my seat atop the Brooklyn Bridge
With a Coke and a bag of chips
To watch a thousand lemmings plummet just because
The first one slipped
Sometimes I laugh at victory, kissing these little question marks
I tend to underestimate my average
Just another bastard savage
Someday you'll all eat out of my cold hand
Cuz every dog has its day
At which point, I'll pull it away

Now we the American working population
Hate the fact that eight hours a day
Is wasted on chasing the dream of someone that isn't us
And we may not hate our jobs
But we hate jobs in general
That don't have to do with fighting our own causes
We the American working population
Hate the nine-to-five day-in day-out
When we'd rather be supporting ourselves
By being paid to perfect the pasttimes
That we have harbored based solely on the fact
That it makes us smile if it sounds dope

It's the year of the silkworm
Everything I built burned yesterday
Let's display the purpose that these stilts serve
Elevate the spreading of the silk germ
Trying to weave a web but all that I believe in is dead
Nah brother, it's the year of the jackal
Saddle up on high horse
My torch forced Polaris embarrassed
Shackle up the hassle by the dooming legend marriage
I bought some new sneakers
I just hope my legacy matches
It's the year of the landshark
Dry as sand, parched, damn get these men some water
They're out there being slaughtered
In meaningless wars so you don't have to bother
And can sit and soak the idiotbox trying to fuck their daughters
Man it's the year of the Orphan
Seated adjacent to the firefly circling the torches on your porches
Trying to guard the fortress of a king they've never seen or met
But all are trained to murder at the first sign of a threat
Maybe it's the year of the waterbug
Cockroach utter thug specimen
Your response, dreaming of your next of kin
I'm still dealing with this mess I'm in
I've been the object of your ridicule
You've been a bitch lieutenant
God it's the year of the underpaid employee
Spitting forty plus a week
And trying to rape earth on my off time
You bought dizzy, I can't keep myself busy enough
So you can run run run
And I'ma let you think you won
EVERYBODY!

We the American working population
Hate the fact that eight hours a day
Is wasted on chasing the dream of someone that isn't us
And we may not hate our jobs
But we hate jobs in general
That don't have to do with fighting our own causes
We the American working population
Hate the nine to five day-in day-out
But we'd rather be supporting ourselves
By being paid to perfect the pasttimes
That we have harbored based solely on the fact
That it makes us smile if it sounds dope

Fumble outta bed and stumble to the kitchen
Pour myself a cup of ambition and
Yawn and stretch and my life is a mess and
If I never make it home today, God bless
Fumble outta bed and stumble to the kitchen
Pour myself a cup of ambition and
Yawn and stretch and my life is a mess and
If I never make it home today, God bless"

-Aesop Rock

vacation

2005-08-23T15:34:00.000-07:00

SOOO much to say. I was on vacation all last week, it was good and bad.
Went surfing for my first time and I am totally in love with it, as I knew I would be, I love any water sports that don't involve things like motors ( I hate speed boats and the like). I discovered that I really like Santa Cruz. Its my second choice for cities in cali, Chico being the first.
I talked so much shit this weekend about everybody, its actually made me feel a little dirty, but whatever, fuck em all...I'm a really good friend.
I've been hanging out with nate a lot and brad and I continue to become better friends. It seems we're all bonded by alcohol and frustration, disappointment, and exhaustion.
During the whole santa cruz trip I couldn't wait to get back to being around males. I wanted people I couldn't tease, say shut the fuck up to, be rude and crude with, but it makes me sad that I would rather hang out with males than with women. I've found myself defending my male friends so much lately that my female 'friends' have questioned to my face why I defend them so much, why I am not defending them more, why I am not on 'their side'. I'm not on their side cause they are full of shit. I'm angry at them when I see them, when I don't see them i feel indifferent to their existance, not women in general of course, just some I know.
i am frustrated with female feminists, we're all so fucked up. I have way more patience with male feminists than I do with female feminists, it makes me feel like shit.
I miss the beach already. I want to surf again right this minute damnit!

I feel like telling everyone to go to hell.
I feel like an elitist.
I feel like I'm wrong about everything.
I feel like I want to burn everything down.
I feel like I want to ...fuck i don't know.
I'm out. Peace.

im back

2005-08-17T14:21:00.000-07:00

I couldnt remember my password for a few days but I 've changed it so now I'm back.
I have had so much I wanted to write about these past few days, things I can't speak of as easily as write them because can make things sound so absurd sometimes.
I have been looking at my relationships again and having issues with them. I've realized lately that I get really angry when I dont' get what I want, like I'm a spoiled child. In a way though I have spoiled myself, if there is something I want I have usually found a way to get it. But things are different now, my relationships are different, I don't want to just get I want and force it to happen. I want to let it all flow the way it will flow. It happens with everything, I get angry that I have to go to work even though I love my job. I get angry that I have to stand in line at the PG&E office, I get angry that I don't have any pesto pasta right in front of me, I get angry that I am not living on my farm. I get angry that when I wake up I smell cars and not farm animals, wet grass, that I hear people instead of wind in the trees or waves, or only the sound of my own breathing.
I get angry that I have a habitual life that revolves around things I want no part of. I get angry that I drink and I get angry when I don't drink because I am worried I won't be able to sleep, or curb the anger, the need, i feel greedy and disconnected from people i don't want to have to relate to in order to operate in society on a daily basis. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO OPERATE I WANT TO BE, to exist within myself, within a world I dont wake up despising every fucking day.
None of this is new, its all repeditive, I know, i hope its not boring you, ive the same shit so often. but inevitably i keep coming back to this.
the other night when you were angry and we finally got back to your house and you started talking i wanted to respond, i understand, but i couldn't respond, maybe you don't even remember me not responding, or didn't need me to, whatever. I have this silly habit of not responding when someone says something that I really relate to because saying something like "I feel the same way too", or "I understand", "I know what you mean" etc seems so ridiculous. It sometimes prevents me from connecting very well.
you said "theres no going back once you've become conscious" and it hurts really bad, what do we do with that, how do we deal with it? I wish I fucking knew, its perhaps the most painful human struggle that exists.
I feel so full, and yet a hole still exists.

love? Pt. 3 and others

2005-08-08T09:49:00.000-07:00

Part I.
The temporary conclusion that I have come to is that one of the most amazing things about the human and about love is that it is ultimately a choice, and we choose all the time how we will love. I want to live within love and the struggle of using love a means in which, I as a human whose actions affect all, contribute to the enforcement of freedom for those I love and for myself. How is this done? By constantly allowing r/evololution within myself, and by making one of the goals of my life, or inner self, to be freedom. I want to incorporate in all I do the questions How will this action contribute to freedom? How is this action an act of love? This may sound totally hippiesque but I promise Rev I wont start going around preaching love and understanding and intrusively sticking flowers in peoples hair.
Despite my temporary conclusion I am still not satisfied on how I need to love, in what actions I can adequatly express it that is productive for my internal development, or even when it should be expressed, but satisfaction doesn't matter anymore, I've given up hope on that one. I am sure I will return to this again.

All My Relations. Peace.
____________________________________________________________________________________

Part II.

I sqaundered your gift
On a rock & Roll lifestyle
And left you waiting at a fork in the road.
I refused your company
And got lost in my dreams
Viscious cycles of
Violent regurgitation.

I slept beneath bridges
Where I built dams to prevent
It all from passing
Because I couldn't see past today,
moment to moment
watching the seas crash against cliffs,
relentlessly beating.

love? Pt. 2

2005-08-05T10:59:00.000-07:00

I hope that the first post did not make it sounds like I didn't value love, or anything like that. I actually place love in very high regard but it is rare that I see someone who is able to love without expectations of what the relationship is suppossed to be. The latter is difficult and maybe the point of love is to not to work towards the absence of expectations but toward a better understanding of those we love and the environments in which they live and this may inevitable lead to having less expectations of what the relationship or the person is 'suppossed' to be.
As for G-d, G-d is love. 'It' is both the human concept of love, love itself, and our ability to feel it, or to know it, and our ability to analyze it.
This exploration of love comes obviously from the fact that, like all most others, I have lost many people to death, drugs, the splitting of paths causing us to move in different circles with different lessons. Though 'losing' people is not as painful as I was when I was a child there is still this great lack of understanding for the ultimate role that love plays in our personal/spiritual development. I want to understand what the root of it is, where it comes from, how it helps me, or works against me when I think that I am feeling love but really some level of infatuation. This is a life long pursuit and one that I feel nourishes me every day ( another amazing thing to add to the list).
And maybe what the world does need more of is love, but not love in the 'hippie' sense of the word. The idea I have in mind is that when we decide to revolutionize ourselves by constantly learning, remaining true to our values, and living our convictions, we are acting out of love. Maybe not a love that is felt but the devotion to do so, the commitment to do so, the fact that we may influence another by our example, is perhaps a form of love, and the world could probably use a little more of personalized, or internalized r/evolution.
I have many more questions to pose on this subject, but on another day.

love?

2005-08-03T13:27:00.000-07:00

I have been toying with the idea that love is not all the world needs, it is not the ultimate gift of G-d. That it is neither the greatest gift of G-d, nor the focus of G-d. G-d is not love because love is a human concept created to explain or describe human connection to another.
I usually approach love as such: one, with the belief that real love of another is known to the individual as a fact is known. We do not have to feel that we love our parents or siblings we just know that we do, like we know the sky is blue. Two, romanticizied love is delusional and based in emotion, passion, obsessiveness, infatuation, etc. The latter can precede the former I supposse as a natural progression to an end of loving someone as fact. Now loving someone as fact doesn't diminish the potential or existance of passion within the relationship, it deepens the passion because the deeper level in which the partner is known by the other.
When it comes to G-d, why would G-d create people for a human conceptualization to be the ultimate goal? Does G-d operate on such base feelings? Is it love that connects me within the larger earth system to plant life in the ocean, or to rats through my DNA? Is it love that keeps the planet turning on its axis, and keeping all existing organisms, and nonliving species connected in the immaculate system that we are a part of. Why should love be the gaol, the need, the desire, a means to an end? Should it not be a larger understanding of the universe, planet, biosphere, and social environment in which we exist? I wonder if we can actually love, truly love, without delusion, distance, disappointment, without some larger understanding, or connection with the System that keeps the earth going and contains us , the human as a member of the world of earthly species? Can we learn to love anything at all after being so bound and defiled by our social construction?

f*ck titles

2005-08-02T15:06:00.000-07:00

It's been a heavy week, full of reflection and frustration. I'm back to digging into my anxiety to try and fight the root, all the underlying issues that may be at play, causing me to distance myself, ditch relationships, ditch the world with nightly drunken revelry.
I went to the mountains again last sunday and realized I've lost all faith and trust in all movements, almost all people, theories, etc. But I;m only using the word 'faith' because I can't think of a better one, a more accurate word to describe my lack of interest, determination, fire. I go through these periods often but never for this long, and not this deeply. I feel disappointed in myself, like I've lost, or let Them win, I let my memories the streets, drugs, and desperation win. Is this why I'm drinking so much? It certainly makes it easier to listen to my friends, some of whom come from very privileged, talk about what needs to change, how we need a revolution while we sit on the porch and drink. Do they notice the kids that walk our block every day with no where to go to but an empty 'home', to microwaves food and parents that don't give a shit. They wear the same clothes everyday, they carry boomboxes that scream rap, the only thing that represents them, speaks for them, where and what they some from. What can I do for them? The night of our yard sale this kid comes up and starts looking through the free stuff. He picks up this camera and starts messing around with it, trying to figure out if it worked or not. IT needed film and batteries so I gave them to him. It still didin't work. I told him maybe the batteries were old and asked him if his mom could get him some more. He shook his head no and wouldn't meet my I, not once did he look up at me while I talked to him, not once did he look me in the eye. He was so small and obviously totally alone.
IF ANY OF US WERE TO ORGANIZE AND PREPARE FOR REVOLUTION IT IS THEM BECAUSE THEY ARE THE ONES THAT ARE PUSHED ASIDE, SHOVED UNDER THE FUCKING CARPET, ROBBED OF A VOICE, STARVED, DEPRECIATED, DEVALIDATED, MISUSED, ABUSED, AND LEFT ALONE TO FEND FOR THEMSELVES. KIDS FROM THE STREETS ARE WHO WE NEED TO BE LISTENING TO...
But if they were given the chance to speak, to be listened to what would they say? Wht do they know how to express? What tools of reflection, articulation, and communication has anyone taught them? Maybe these are the wrong questions, I dont know.
FUCK THE SYSTEM.

saturday

2005-07-24T01:37:00.000-07:00

1:37 am. I'm exhausted but I can't sleep, I'm at work and sipping on my fourth beer.
The Rev and I took a day trip up to Eagle Lake today. It was nice, full of mental orgasms due to the awe that geological findings can create. I spent the drive up there thinking about plate tectonics as a biological phenomena, a theory I must learn more about. The shore of the lake was covered in lava rocks which were awesome. It was obvious that the whole, or at least much of the area, had once been covered in water but the water had receded enough for us to have the privilege of examinig these awesome rocks that once been molten or lava. It was so nice to get in touch with that side of myself that loves science and the earth so much. I wish I had more time to educate myself on physical science, math, and astronomy like I used to do the summer before seventh grade. Now it is all work, going to shows, drinking, or just resting from all of the above.On the way back to Chico the Rev asked me if I feel oppressed everyday. On a scale from one to ten, I replied, I feel about a seven. I feel it because I am a woman, because I feel the oppression of others, because I am an oppressor because I am white. And because I am an oppressor I feel robbed of my humanity, Because I am an oppressor I am oppressed and thus must liberate myself, and in so doing, hopefully liberate the people I oppress. This matter plays a huge rile in the fact that I am never content with anything. I am insatiable, discontent, and ill at ease with everything, with every moment of my waking life. It's one of the reasons why I drink so much, why I want to have my farm, its why I write, and how I can love so much but walk away and let go of those I love, its why I am alone and okay with it. I want truth and I want simplicity, two things that do not go hand in hand.
When we got back to town I went immediately to Fulcrum to see a band called Red Robot play their last gig in Chico. They're awesome, one of Nor Cals finest. I left the show alone which doesnt happen that often anymore, but not something that I necessarily miss all that much, but I still value it when it does happen. I went home and had a beer then tried to sleep but it wouldn't come. Its my last night of freedom before the work week and I feel every second of it passing. Only about five months to go before I am done.
Its now 2:30, I've left the blog and came back again, and I need to try and sleep again.
LylaTov. Goodnight.

Too many songs in my head

2005-07-20T11:28:00.000-07:00

"Well I want a better place,
Or just a better way to fall."

beach

2005-07-18T13:04:00.000-07:00

Road trip by myself...
"Pack my things head to the coast might not be life but I feel like I'm making the most"1.
Fort Bragg. I found a little nook at the end of a trail at the top of the cliff. I sat quickly due to some silly existential fear of cliffs, afraid of both falling and jumping.
1.5 hrs of human silence. myself and nothing but the ocean breathing and the loud crash of the waves against the cliff. It sounded like thunder or guns.
This was my first trip without the worry of Jacaline weighing down my thoughts. I didn't have to focus on devising some plan on how to make it all woek with her. Didn't have to think about how I was going to scar her less than my mother would, or my other siblings. I thouhgt about myself instead. I thought about leaving Chico and traveling. I was able to focus my current relationships and how I have been ending them all. I seem to do this cyclically. I go through periods have this massive social life with friends in many different circles. But lately I have been leaving all circles. I was walking down the street on saturday and saw three people that I had previously been spending a lot of time with, none of them said hello. They looked at me then looked away thinking I didn't notice. I wish that I could tell everyone that I befriend that if at any point in the relationship I no longer wish to hang out, or if I all of a sudden go into hiding and remove myself from the scene it is no affront to them. I am a loner. thats all, don't be offended. Unfortunately it doesn't work like that and many people end up disliking me. All well such is life. Does this make cold, chicken from "running away from relationships"? Its what I've done since I was in elementary school. I'm blabbing.
With the exception of one person, maybe two I haven't decided yet, in Chico I'm content to live without everyone else. I deem the situation as a period of rebirth, the time for "shedding a skin" that is detrimental to the development of my Self.

"I grow old, I grow old
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

Shall I part my hair behind, do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers and walk upon the beach.

I have heard the mermaids singing each to each.
I do not think they will sing to me.

I have seen them riding seaward on the waves combed back
when the wind blows the water white and black.

We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
by sea girls wreathed with sea weed red and brown
till human voices wake us
and we drown."

from "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
T.S. Eliot

Event One From A long Day

2005-07-13T11:17:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I was sent on an insane mission to find 100 small hand held mirrors and 100 small falshlights that can fit into a nine inch box. After four hours of driving around from store to store in the horrid heat, I end up at Food Maxx in total desperation with only 11 more mirrors and 32 flashlights to go. I walk out frustrated, but not surprised, that didn't carry either item. As soon as I walked out this person of color looks at me and I try to ignore him because I know he is going to ask me for money for some charity and I hate charities. I see him and his white bucket and I automatically wonder if the charity chose him to do this because he is a person of color, if they're paying him a shit wage to stand in the hella hot sun for hours in a starched suit. I get angry but I wasn't fast enough he asks me for money and just as he does I am loioking down and I step on a five dollar bill. The bill was smashed, dirty, had obviously been stepped on by many. Coincidence? I pick it up."Well look at that heres five bucks on the ground." I say and drop it in the bucket. "What are you collecting money for?" I ask. "To fight hoimelessness, drug addiction, abuse, etc." He answers in a soft barely audible voice. "Is this Christian?" I ask, knowing what the answer will be. "Yes." He says. I grunt and walk away kicking myself. I hope they were f*cking paying him good money to stand out there, but probably not.

Event One From A long Day

2005-07-13T11:08:00.000-07:00

hmmm!

2005-07-06T17:02:00.000-07:00

i don't think anyone reads this anymore. I may be done with it.

Sysiphus 3

2005-07-05T15:35:00.000-07:00

I, my shadows captive, speak not of it.
How do you speak of darkness,
of rain clouds, and rivers,
of clenched fists bound to the rock?

I see it in you-
A shadow of your words
that condems them to nothingness.
Obliquity replaces the manipulative word
When we attempt
To approach our burning forests.

In your doldrums
You turn away and I leave you to Sysiphus;
to the mountain, to your aerie.

sysiphus 2

2005-07-02T13:38:00.000-07:00

Can Sysiphus be an Icarus? Or is Icarus a Sysiphus be default? Or maybe they shouldn't be connected at all.

damn it! drunk again

2005-07-01T10:46:00.000-07:00

Was I reaching too far
Into the sandstorm-
Listening too hard for the calm, the quiet,
the digestable-
My filters failed
So I left you in my bed
and reached for the dead instead.

There was a time when
I dreamt of the dead often,
I knew them then
In a soft place where the
human voice was trivial and
Cast aside to make room.
I wanted them to continue,
the dead, those souls I once walked with,
or the ones I'd never met
but came to me through the memories of others.

I thought the written word
could contain them, keep them at my disposal
but my filters failed
They can only live on the periphery
of the human eye
and in the shadows that follow
these physical bodies that limit us.

sysiphus 1

2005-06-27T13:58:00.000-07:00

I woke up at 5:00 this morning and the sun was beginning to shine through the bedroom window. My first thought: That I should be waking up right now, putting on a pot of nice thick muddy coffee then heading out to my fields to tend my crops. Or milking my cow for the next batch of cheese. That my life should be revolving around sustainable living, food, maintaining the health of hte land that I merely inhabit.
My heart sank when I realized it was Monday, that I had to go to work in four hours. And I sank even though I knew/felt that I believed in my work place, that I believed in working in communities with people for justice, revolution, support and community.
It worries me, these times when escape and simple living call me loudly. They worry me because of just how deeply I feel it. When I imagine my ideal life I can feel the sweat that covers my body from hard work, the breeze that cools the sweat, or makes it stronger. I can feel myself full of thanks for the land that yeilds food so that i can eat one more dinner, or lunch, or breakfast. I feel bliss when I imagine myself selling my own crops from some small little stand on the side of the road.
Is this escapism? Yes and No. Yes because I know that I am exactly where I am suppossed to be right now. I know that I have so much to do in the world before I can reach this place of simplicity.
No because one of the reason I feel the need to be an activist is so that all people can have the privilege to choose to live this simply. Or to be able to live simply, day to day living, and not be thought of as uncivilized, illiterate, beneath the rich, so that we can not be stolen from by America and all other corporate bastards, from wars, from the greedy, etc.
Give us all sustainable living or give me death.

Return to the Ocean/return to myself

2005-06-22T10:54:00.000-07:00

I spent three days at the coast. My purpose for going other than being close to my eternal love, the sea, I needed to find that place again that carries me through all difficulties. I was afraid I had let it escape from my focus too much...that silent burning place that is my Self, acting as both the filament that connects me to all and separates me from all and keeps me whole.
I went with a friend that doesn't mind my silence, what more could i have asked for.
I found this place where I want to have a farm one of these days, once I have grown weary of the world and wish to end my days with only the sounds of animals, the sea, the earth, the sound of my growing crops. Like I've said so many times: "Alls I need is a plot of land" I have returned to that but nobody gets it when I say it, not like the YJC.
In returning to this place I have partially surrendered to my current position in life, my job as it were, of being the responsible one. I need acceptance not rebellion and anger. I need that bottomless love that I used to feel for everyone. I miss it.

"The path we're fated for,
That we walk;
All fated with a path,
that we stalk."
by some Italian artist.
Found in "Said the Pesoptimist"

All of my relations.

Beach

2005-06-13T13:24:00.000-07:00

Four more days till I am at the beach. I am almost counting the seconds.
Why do I love the beach so much?
Its where the human world meets the rest of the universe. Where we can really see our lack of control over life.
When I was drunk on Saturday I explained it all so perfectly. Now I am sober, at work, and I forgot what I said.
Sh*t.

Global Personality Test

2005-06-01T16:26:00.000-07:00

Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	53%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Empathy	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Interdependence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Intellectual	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Mystical	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Artistic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Religious	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Hedonism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Materialism	\|\|	10%
Narcissism	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Work ethic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Self absorbed	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Conflict seeking	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Need to dominate	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%

Romantic	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Anti-authority	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Wealth	\|\|	10%
Dependency	\|\|	10%
Change averse	\|\|	10%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Individuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Sexuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Peter pan complex	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Physical security	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Food indulgent	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Paranoia	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Vanity	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Hypersensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Female cliche	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%

Stability results were medium which suggests you are moderately relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.

Orderliness results were moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.

Extraversion results were medium which suggests you are moderately talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting.

trait snapshot:
messy, disorganized, not rule conscious, rebellious, rash, weird, ambivalent about chaos, likes bizarre things, anti-authority, not good at saving money, not a perfectionist, leaves many things unfinished, low self control, strange, desires more attention, romantic daydreamer, abstract, impractical, unproductive, leisurely, likes the unknown

*The last personality test I took said I was an INtroverted Dominating Abstract Thinker.
I'm going to have to take this one again because I am not that flaky...at least i don't think so.

something like dying

2005-05-25T15:28:00.000-07:00

Everyday I get up and get dressed to go to work when all I want to do is get back in bed with s- or or just cease to exist for a little while.
I got a massage from this woman on Monday, I broke down a little. I cried and shook and wanted to speal but I couldn't. She called again yesterday to see if I was okay. She said she felt a lack of support and thats true. I feel totally alone. But thats normal, thats reality. My support is dead.
I hate this country, these ideals, my job, those who claim to be a part of the Movement but they do nothing.
I'm so bored these days all I can do is drink and run to my friends' company for escape. They have no idea who I am, what I am doing, or that I am dying inside because I lkive this life I don't want to live. I want simplicity, honesty, community, solidarity and a commitment to the struggle for justice, sustainability, I want my own self. I want my life to based around nourishing that not paying the bills, being angry about being the only one that cleans the house, brings home the 'bacon' etc. I could go on and on. I want to hear music and relax in the arms of it.
I want to see the state dismantled and intentional communities built in its place (uh oh I sound like an anrchist).
I want to not feel like its a falsity, an escape, I don't want to feel like I'm dying.

seven months six days eight hours and twenty five minutes until I no longer work.

It Is Not Death Itself...

2005-05-20T11:39:00.000-07:00

I keep writing but I fail as soon as the pen hits the page. I fail to describe what the dark hospital room felt like when you fell into dimentia and begged us to not let them take the baby you didn't have. Scars now giving new form to your body where the cancer was supposed to have been removed. I cant grasp in words what it meant to see strength close its eyes and desert the body while it still breathed, skinny, motionless, empty, all but the sound of your loud open-mouthed breathing. Watching you, I waited for you to die. And when that call finally came, the one night I went home, that ring at 3am was all I needed to hear, to know it was finished.
They washed your body, your mother and your sister, and laid you on the bed, arms crossed over chest, the silence, the calm, how it filled everyone. Did I ever really know you?
I wish I dreamt of you more often, then I could I feel your hands massaging my hands, my feet,
painting my fingernails even though I despised the decoration. So much of me has ceased to flow. How many lives did you touch? You were the very definition of Community.
Death makes perfect sense to me. It is the effects of it upon the living that I cant understand.
Mourning is too simple, it is a change in perception, a fog that has risen, a perpetually burning city that no liquid, no hope, no senses, can put out. The day of reconstruction is unclear and ressurection holds no weight.

When the bell jar descends and I can't imagine my life without it's tar-like existance I can't help but wonder if you felt the weight of it's oppression, the oppression of our social constructs,
and that is why you fought so hard. What battles did you fight inside to become who you were?
I stand on the periphery of dawn because this mountain blocks my view,
my passage, my road to the Ascents.

sometimes we remember

2005-05-10T12:36:00.000-07:00

Sometimes memory likes to tease you, dangling the past in your face offering the hope of some truth, some definition of where you come from. But it leaves too soon when the heart can't transcribe the colors, the images and the whole is made deeper. I am starving.
All that is left of me: "the past with its widening teeth." -Cervantes

Some people drunk dial, I drunk blog

2005-05-03T01:45:00.000-07:00

All bodies lie naked amongst ruins.
What supurfluous covering matters?
With blue back drop
I spy fields
for a self painted gold
to hide the wells:
Where steadfast rhythms
keep me silent,
a self containd and defiant.

My eyelids keep blinking
and I miss the point,
the moment of departure,
the modicum of answers.
I breath and breath
drawing in air to ignite my flesh
to builda fire unquenchable,
to contain the peripheral truth lost
amongst the ashes of transience.

Oppressor

2005-04-12T18:41:00.000-07:00

"Dehumanization, which marks not only those whose humanity has been stolen, but also (though in a different way) those who have stolen it, is a distortion to dthe vocation of becoming more fully human...[the] Struggle [for humanization] is possible only because dehumanization, although a concrete historical fact, is not a given destiny buit the result of an unjust order that engenders violence in the oppressors, which in turn dehumanizes the oppressed... In order for this struggle to have meaning, the oppressed must not, in seeking to regain their humanity (which is a way to create it), become in turn oppressors of the oppressors, but rather restorers of the humanity if both."
Paulo Freire
quoted in "Relative Humanity. "Race Traitor"Winter 2005 Num. 16

I must read Freire, its definitely time. I have to go to work now.
-Cant wait to talk to you about him Blasfemmeity.

Bumpy Road Ahead Veer Right

2005-04-05T12:38:00.000-07:00

I feel myself running
attempting to bury something
How quickly it all changes and how easy it is to misunderstand meaning, experience

Something is missing here.