Part I.
The temporary conclusion that I have come to is that one of the most amazing things about the human and about love is that it is ultimately a choice, and we choose all the time how we will love. I want to live within love and the struggle of using love a means in which, I as a human whose actions affect all, contribute to the enforcement of freedom for those I love and for myself. How is this done? By constantly allowing r/evololution within myself, and by making one of the goals of my life, or inner self, to be freedom. I want to incorporate in all I do the questions How will this action contribute to freedom? How is this action an act of love? This may sound totally hippiesque but I promise Rev I wont start going around preaching love and understanding and intrusively sticking flowers in peoples hair.
Despite my temporary conclusion I am still not satisfied on how I need to love, in what actions I can adequatly express it that is productive for my internal development, or even when it should be expressed, but satisfaction doesn't matter anymore, I've given up hope on that one. I am sure I will return to this again.
All My Relations. Peace.
____________________________________________________________________________________
Part II.
I sqaundered your gift
On a rock & Roll lifestyle
And left you waiting at a fork in the road.
I refused your company
And got lost in my dreams
Viscious cycles of
Violent regurgitation.
I slept beneath bridges
Where I built dams to prevent
It all from passing
Because I couldn't see past today,
moment to moment
watching the seas crash against cliffs,
relentlessly beating.
2 comments:
I have a lot I want to say about your response, but for now since I have only a few minutes, I'll just say that just about everything said have been the cery ideas that I have lived by, you sound just like me.
But there is something that I didn't make very clear but I'll have to get to that in my next blog. I also need to digest things a little bit more.
I'll see you later.
First off, there aren't many things I regret because in almost action that I have performed, or in the moment right before an action is performed and I am trying to decide quickly, or thoughfully, about whether or not an action should or should be performed, I usually make my decision based on the question of will I regret not engaging in the moment, the action, the opportunity while I'm lying on my death bed. Maybe thats silly to make a decision based on how I may feel when I am on my deahtbed, expecially because I may not even have a deathbed. Whatever. The point is that I feel like i live my fully and rarely do choose not to engage in something because I may regret it. I am reminded of a a quote form "Empire Records" when one of the characters quoted some philosopher, I don't know who it was: "I do not regret the things I have done, just those I did not do." This goes through my mind often. I want my life to be full of 'embarrasing moments', spontaneity, love, sacrifice and struggle even. I want to experience every emotion, thought, situation, need, etc. But a part of those experiences is also experiencing moments of fear for rejection, loss, regret for making the 'wrong ' decision. These are normal, human reactions/emotions that find their way into our thought processes. The choice lies in whether or not we choose to listen to the thoughts and emotions that may prevent from experienceing something that is nourishing whether or not we are embraced or pushed away.
And yes, I probably am over analyzing, its something I do on a regular basis. But my over analyzation has never been a habit that has prevented me from acting and gaining menaing experiences, both the ones that come in joy and the ones that come from pain. I think I owe this way of life to my over analyzation of my life, human emotion, love, need, and my observations of my elders and the frames of mind with which they have chosen to close their lives in.
Just as I embrace spontaneity, love, rejection, and all other experiences, I also accept, and make room for regret, but it is not a controlling factor in my life. Even when I express in some medium it is not something that I will cling to, but an expression of where I am for the MOMENT, or day, whatever. Like in the poem I posted. That was a medium in which I was choosing to acknowledge my feelings of failure, regret, and frustration with how I handled taking care of Jacaline, like we talked a little about last night. I can feel those things for the moment I am writing the poem and focusing on the past in order to better engage in today, but because I feel very strongly about not holding on, about moving on, and that events/situations always play out exactly how they are suppossed to I am able to feel then let it go. Its a actully an exercise I was able to define and articulate through Thich Nhat Hanh, a vietnamese Zen Bhuddist that I like a lot. It has been exercises like these that I have allowed me to define myself, decide which emotions I was willing to keep, and which emotions I have needed to do away with throughout my life in order to live as thoroughly, as strongly, and as lovingly as possible. When I finally started dealing with all the anger I had built up inside of me when I was in high school it was exercises that helped me, as well as my belief that I have always been exactly where I was suppossed to be, and that we exist within this amazing system/entity/cycle/G-d whatever we choose to call the earths life systems.
I think I sometimes may confuse those few people I let read my poetry because they will read my stuff and start to analyze it and respond, then i respond with "whatever thats not how I feel anymore". Now I am just blabbing though.
Hope this was a clarifying answer.
I'll see you later Mojo.
Post a Comment