Everyday I get up and get dressed to go to work when all I want to do is get back in bed with s- or or just cease to exist for a little while.
I got a massage from this woman on Monday, I broke down a little. I cried and shook and wanted to speal but I couldn't. She called again yesterday to see if I was okay. She said she felt a lack of support and thats true. I feel totally alone. But thats normal, thats reality. My support is dead.
I hate this country, these ideals, my job, those who claim to be a part of the Movement but they do nothing.
I'm so bored these days all I can do is drink and run to my friends' company for escape. They have no idea who I am, what I am doing, or that I am dying inside because I lkive this life I don't want to live. I want simplicity, honesty, community, solidarity and a commitment to the struggle for justice, sustainability, I want my own self. I want my life to based around nourishing that not paying the bills, being angry about being the only one that cleans the house, brings home the 'bacon' etc. I could go on and on. I want to hear music and relax in the arms of it.
I want to see the state dismantled and intentional communities built in its place (uh oh I sound like an anrchist).
I want to not feel like its a falsity, an escape, I don't want to feel like I'm dying.
seven months six days eight hours and twenty five minutes until I no longer work.
1 comment:
i promise things will change and things will get better. if we let go of our faith in change, then there is nothing. it's always so hard to envison it when there is no support and community. i understand you. when you are feeling so alone, i hope you at least try to remember that i love you and i believe in the things that you believe in. i can imagine the world that you imagine- and for people to just be able to imagine such a world as a collective is revolutionary. but is such a complex and seemily unattainable thing to think in a united way when we have the stifles of our own individual lives. be strong, sister, and don't give up. you are doing good. i love you so much.
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